Teaser 007: Train of Thought

I returned to the room, turned on the light above the small table where I placed my computer, turned it on and kicked back a couple beers to clear the tracks for my train of thought, which can run anywhere, often switching tracks at the most indelicate times, derailing frequently, coming to a complete stop, or shifting into reverse. That's the worst, when it shifts into reverse. I can follow the switching, the derailments are short, minor embarrassments, and even the complete stops are moments when I look around me with the goofiest expression and explain, “I forgot what I was saying, which may be a good thing because I thought this train was going to New York City but I now see it's headed to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where there are a lot of Amish, who will admire my beard but suggest I shave my mustache, and I hate shaving anything.” Everyone will look at me like I am crazy and my reputation remains intact.

The shifting into reverse is what I dread, because the entire human race seems to be careering backwards, everywhere I look. If you've read the Book, the part about Kings, you get to read about David, where the writer or writers—O! there is contention stating that—tell you about a man who really celebrated, partied so hard and danced so deliriously his garments would fly up to reveal his manhood. He didn't care but it was scandalous, as everyone would gossip about it, though no one makes even a single mention of girth or length of said manhood. Apparently back then no one cared? A penis was a penis, it had but two responsibilities, let it do its work and get on with life?

There are three kinds of time in a human's life. There's a time for work, so get it done. Don't fuck around. There's a time for play, so play hard, play to win, compete, but do so like a good sport, play by the rules and don't cheat because cheaters are liars, and above all have fun. And there's a time to celebrate, so party hard, dance deliriously, and forget about everything. David invented the rave but nobody dances so deliriously any more that their garments fly up to reveal their manhood or womanhood. Nope, we're going backwards, in the interests of Victorian prudence, cleverly called morality. What? They had no morals back then either? No one talked about penis size and no one had morals, or is it just revisionism? In some places there's still a “crime” on the books commonly labeled “sodomy,” and some people like to throw that word around as a kind of shock treatment. “Before the victim was left for dead, the perpetrators committed sodomy.” The victim got plunged in the ass. Yet, the word “sodomy” derives from the Book, specifically the tale of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, twin nasty cities, and while there's some discussion of the prevailing promiscuity taking place in said twin nasty cities, that's not why the Big Guy destroys both. Nope, and there's a big clue immediately preceding said destruction, that concerning Abraham and the weary travelers. Forgot that one? I'll remind you.

A large group of weary, hungry, thirsty travelers approach the large holdings of Abraham, asking him to help them, give them a place to rest, share water and food if possible. Those under Abraham's direction, the fighting warrior types, advise Abraham he should tell them to push on, give them no help whatsoever, because they see “disaster” coming. Abraham simply tells them all he must give them food, water, shelter, since the Lord commanded him to do so. Objection overruled, but Abraham does place restrictions on the travelers, since it is his responsibility to protect his people, so the travelers must surrender their weapons and must remain in a segregated area and have no interaction with his people at all. These restrictions are obeyed by the travelers and a few days later, rested, rejuvenated and grateful, they leave Abraham and his holdings without incident. Thus, Abraham demonstrated “hospitality,” if only because the Lord commanded him, but it's a funny “commandment,” this “hospitality.” There is no such “commandment” on the tablets of the Ten Commandments given to Moses, a story coming later in the Book. What happened to this commandment, this “hospitality” commandment? That is a very good question. I'm so glad you asked, but first let's examine some of the destructive acts performed by the Big Guy directly.

The biggest, of course, is the flood. You remember the story. Eight people, and only eight, are told to build a boat, put two of every creature inside—male and female, mind you, since the Big Guy is always thinking about propagation, as in “Be fruitful and multiply,” which is another way of reminding you to study your mathematics, the only universal language as it turns out, and multiplying, as in propagating, is fairly impossible when you're ass-plunging exclusively—get themselves inside, because here comes the rain, incessant, flooding everything, every place, every creature. Why? Mankind, except for these eight, are so evil, so repulsive, so unworthy of any redemption, they all must be destroyed. Not for any single evil but general, overall, total evil in everything. Okay, it's a hard lesson to derive some learning, but suddenly here comes a rainbow, followed by a promise—the Big Guy has remorse? Is that possible? The Big Guy's supposed to know everything, even the future—and the Big Guy will never do anything like it again. See? We have rainbows as symbols of this promise, and the lesson being: when you see a rainbow, look for the pot of gold. You've got time. The next big flood's not forecast for the foreseeable future.

When you examine the second most destructive act, though, this one is different. The second most destructive act performed by the Big Guy directly is the complete annihilation of the twin nasty cities, Sodom and Gomorrah, and with this destruction comes one single reason: all the people of these two cities—except Lot, his wife and two daughters spirited out of the cities immediately prior to the devastation—are destroyed for the sin of in-hospitality. Why, then, is hospitality, showing kindness to strangers, so important that the Big Guy performs this huge destruction but never includes it as a written Commandment? Let's now examine the animal kingdom.

Animals protect their territory. They stand their ground and fight—unless the odds are so overwhelming—against any threat. You, no doubt, will look at whales and dolphins. “Whales and dolphins never attack humans and we invade their territory all the time.” Yes we do, in stupid, confining scuba gear and move in such an ungainly manner in their environment that whales and dolphins merely look upon us with a higher mammalian humor, like, “Look at these guys. Oh, I'm scared. We'd better swim away fast.” You are no threat to whales or dolphins. You are nothing to them because you are so out of your comfort zone even they know how stupid you look. That's why they never attack humans, but come back as a real threat, like a squid to a whale, and they will protect their territory, because you don't live there! They do! So dismiss the absolutely useless, imaginary, and childish idea completely. Animals protect their territory because they are incapable of showing kindness to strangers, since this is only an act of human capability. Thus, showing kindness to strangers separates humans from all other creatures on the big blue spaceship. What do we, collectively as humans, do to animals which protect their territory by attacking humans who venture into it, such as bears, cougars, and others? We hunt the offending animals down and kill them. What do we do when humans defend their territory and hurt, maim, or kill other humans who venture onto their territory uninvited? We invent laws to justify this sin since the preachers, reverends, priests and whomever proclaim it's about ass-plunging exclusively. They're nothing but con artists and, as proof, do they not pass around a plate for your money when they're done spewing? Of course they do, just like any successful con artist, and you listen to them with your mind turned off every Sunday, Saturday, Friday, maybe every day. You do have a brain though. I know you do. It sits comfortably in your skull atop your shoulders, not between your legs. My strongest suggestion to you, starting today, is use your big brain and learn some truth. The Big Book is not the sole repository of truth but there's a lot of it in there, only if you think for yourself, numb nuts. There's another Book, too. It's for later.

All of this started with a train of thought leading to David's delirious dancing, with his garments flying up so his manhood is revealed for all to see, which is to assume even little children. Thus, King David would, today, have to register as a sex offender. That's progress for you, at breakneck speeds in reverse. But, dammit, I have a screenplay to write, I've polished off two beers and am starting to get a good buzz, and you're derailing my train.

- Just Desserts, Segment One “Welcome to Lost Anglos” by Gregory R. Schussele, © 2021

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