Teaser 351: Interview on the Faux News Network


Faux News had been screaming at me for months. They had resorted to making their talking heads suggest regularly I was afraid to appear anywhere on their networks. This was never true since they owned so many networks. By the time all of us from The True Cross appeared on Oprah's show after my first appearance at the Oscars, she was already affiliated with them. I could schedule, at any time, to appear on almost any of the discovery channels, science channels, history channels, travel channels, the learning channel, the true Noise channels, and I would be on any of their networks, plus I'm sure I missed several because I didn't include their sports or national networks and “independent” stations, and there may be cooking and housing networks I overlooked, and that still may not exhaust the list. Surely there must be international networks in their vast umbrella somewhere. Nancy finally advised me she had received several requests, or threats, all implying I truly was afraid to appear on any of their shows and she was not going to appear in my stead. “All right, Nancy, tell the Faux News goofballs I'll appear on their show with the former congressman, because I'm sure he's loaded up with embarrassing questions and he's not going to be thrown by some loser like me, and tell them verbatim. I will enlist everyone to fly into Van Nuys and we'll stay with Kejnu and Miko in Ventura, and I'll drive into Lost Anglos and conduct it all from that station. Ask them if it's a deal and I'll arrange everything on my end. I'm certainly not going to hide behind some woman wearing her fashionable slacks and blouse combo and purporting to be my editor. I'll take on the former congressboy one on one, mano y mano. Tell him to bring it. Let's tangle. And tell him I called him 'former congressboy.'”

In a matter of days it was on. Out came the jet, stopping in Van Nuys for our necessary food servers and back to Lost Anglos for the showdown. High Noon. What could be better?

I got hammered. I knew I would. If you've watched the show, throughout the first half—they gave me almost the entire show—you know I got hammered, but like the critics who blasted me for A Zero and The One, I merely grinned at every one of his insinuations and accusations. You couldn't wipe the smile from my face if you slapped me a thousand times. Finally, came his accusation I was encouraging terrorism, since a top officer of a very large defense industry company recently experienced a bombing of his personal residence in a gated community and the entire residence was completely destroyed. There were some electrical company workers in the neighborhood the day of the bombing and they were suspected but no arrests or links had been made yet. Former congressboy accused me of whipping up terrorism and I grinned, baiting him to demand I reply.

After many uncomfortable moments—for him I imagined since I was never uncomfortable and, frankly, enjoying his constantly rising tone of voice—I responded, “It is a shame, perhaps more so because no one was even slightly injured.” When the former congressboy began screaming about whatever, I silenced him. “Quiet! I've let you rant and rail for a half-hour and if you ever want to learn anything in life you listen first and then speak. You didn't sail through school by telling your teachers what to teach. You were a dumb schoolboy like the rest of us, like me, so you listen to my answer and begin to form your enlightening questions.” I waited for his acknowledgment, which came soon but reluctantly. “So, now, the fascists have tasted a little of what they've been spreading all over the world since the terrorism has finally arrived at their doorstep and I imagine it has the entire defense industry in America shaking and why shouldn't it? What the weapons makers have propounded for thousands of years has come right back to the place where they rest, where they feel safe and secure, and now none of them feel safe and secure. So if you're a fascist weapons maker or provide military intelligence but you may not be able to secure your very own, very private, residence, what do you do? Well, if you're a smart fascist weapons maker and you really do care about the safety and security of your own very private family, you'll exit the defense industry and maybe peddle ice cream cones to little kids every afternoon, because every one of them is a target now, and where each one lives, with all their family, isn't so difficult to discover. They're all a target and I would think the smart ones would be shaking. As for 'Muslim terrorists,' that's too easy. I think what everyone is going to eventually discover is fascists the world over are both easy to understand as the true enemy of embracing humanity and they're also easy to discover. There's your first blow to those who deserve it from the other side, which includes the vast majority of humanity. You're going to learn those who side with this unfortunate defense industry victim are in a very small and insignificant minority. Most human beings are supporting the opposite. They want to see more of it and you're probably gonna see it!” We went back and forth for the rest of the hour but he never could get me rattled or shake my conviction.

He did, though, refer to the part of the book which launched Odie's national political aspirations, the rape victims' compensation bill. He did it smugly, as though he caught me in some hypocrisy. “You've made a big deal about rape. You even claim you hold rapists in contempt, and your main character supposedly rises to national attention with this rape victims' compensation bill, but Muslim men rape women frequently and often repeatedly for nothing more than refusing to cover themselves or for behaving promiscuously, whatever that means, yet you've said not one word about it. Doesn't it make you the hypocrite you condemn continuously? Aren't you nothing but a hypocrite?”

It was a valid point. I had said nothing about this frequent and, unfortunately, somewhat accepted practice among many Muslim communities and sects battling the growing proliferation of Western ideals. It was a frustrating development for these Muslim communities, but raping a woman for refusing to cover herself or for displaying promiscuous behavior was nothing I was prepared to condone. I had said nothing about it because I had, quite simply, never been asked. This became my opportunity, one which the vast majority of humanity would never forget.

“It may seem hypocritical. In fact, it tends to allow people like yourself to claim I am nothing but a Muslim apologist, that I simply condone any action from any Muslim.” I stared straight into the TV screen daring him to interrupt, but we had, finally, reached a civil understanding. He knew I had more to add and he was not going to interrupt. “It is not true, though, because Muslims are imperfect human beings as are all of us...There is no reference in the Quran nor in any of the hadiths, which are the repository of recognized actions and statements from the prophet, Mohamed, peace be upon him, during his lifetime and which can be established by witnesses and other references. Not once does the prophet, peace be upon him, suggest a woman, for whatever failure, be raped as a proper punishment. There is no such statement from the prophet, peace be upon him! Do I make myself clear? These so-called men, and I use the term liberally since they are not men in any sense of the word, have taken it upon themselves to punish a woman whom they have decided is unworthy of being considered a Muslim woman, but instead of counseling her, they take it upon themselves to perform their most depraved fantasies and commit a brutal, violent crime, and then rationalize it as 'she had it coming to her.' These so-called men are violent criminals and nothing more. Should they hide behind the veil of Islam, they expose themselves as cowards and brutes, because there is no place in Islam or the hadiths which condones the act of rape as valid punishment to any woman! But you want to get to the heart of the matter and I don't blame you. If I were you I would demand it, so here's my unwavering position. Should I discover a woman having been raped in the manner I described and I could reasonably discover every man involved in this depraved act, I would round them up, all of them together, and I would personally lop off each penis myself. Then, I would wait long enough so there was no way for those castrated penises to ever be surgically re-attached and I would send each and every one to each man's respective Imam, his Muslim guide, as a warning. 'If this is what you teach your Islamic students, the next time I will come for your penis! Ignore my warning and you will suffer!' For I am not afraid of any 'gigantic intellect' of the Muslim world either! If you refuse to live the right way and instead abuse your religious prominence, I will bring the total and irrevocable hell of the One right to your very being! Should you trivialize me I shall punish you mercilessly!” When I glared almost demonically at the TV screen in the studio, I noted the most profoundly astonished expression on his face. He truly was not expecting it, nor anyone else, except the Big Chief.


- Just Desserts, Segment Forty-FiveAdvances and Retreats” by Gregory R. Schussele, © 2021

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