Teaser 353: He Farts and Burps A Lot


Miko and Kejnu had an open invitation for all my family, but Ventura was hours away from my workplace. Kendall, without any prompting from me at all, offered his shack as a resting place for every one of my immediate family, including my security pros and driver. No one sat in Japan the entire time we shot Family Rifts. They all stayed with Kendall in his shack with his beautiful and engaging wife and their children, and Sofia and their kids, along with Wild Bill, provoked plenty of commentary for two and a half months. Wild Bill walked for the first time and spoke for the first time, in Tibetan as I predicted, but by the end of the movie he was speaking in five different languages, and I knew before we finally left Japan he would be speaking Japanese too. Kendall's wife was so taken by all of it, she constantly had her video camera at the ready, and once we wrapped the movie, she showed Kendall and me hours of home movies of the various adventures of the adolescents inhabiting her house in those weeks. After a while of it, on and on, I turned to Kendall. “I absolutely have no idea how you are going to convince your kids to stay out of show biz, especially when they are frequently prodded by Sofia and Wild Bill over the next few years, because you know you can't keep them from staying in touch. They're gonna do it, Kendall, and there isn't a darn thing you can do to stop it.”

Kendall never did try to stop it, nor did any of us. The children spoke and shared emails and web sites and music and it never stopped. Before Wild Bill reached four years of age he was sending emails and texts to all of them, and doing so in the most intriguing and curious manner. Wild Bill always seemed to ignore anything I did or said and always told his compatriots, “I live with my Dad. I know who he is. He's not that cool. He farts and burps a lot. I'll bet he doesn't say that when asked.” Yeah, they all loved Wild Bill. Why not? He called them as he saw them. You've heard me say it. How could I possibly complain?

We returned to Japan about the time it was consistently warming up so Serena didn't have to freeze long. There was another snow after we arrived and Sofia smacked me several times with a snowball. I could have smacked her the same amount or more but I played the dutiful shooting range dummy and moved about and dodged her many throws to make it more of a challenge. She got me pretty good a couple times and I can't deny. It was recorded by several people, all colluding with the little woman but I enjoyed it, though at times I did think about my previous life and what I failed and what I missed with my own daughters. I was reminded about what Serena had told me at Gloria's place, the few days before I left for Africa. I still wondered how I could ever cross that rift between us all. I would think about it for a few days, but other thoughts would flood me, other actions and conversations would steal me away from it, and I pushed on into the life I was immersed.

Of course it was but mere weeks after our return to Japan and Jinpa experienced an early morning of dry heaves and we were all sitting in the waiting room at a gynecologist's office in Anamizu. Fortunately, since the last time, Jinpa could now speak and understand much of six languages, including Japanese, so I never needed to recruit Chodak for translation. Both the doctor and Jinpa came out of the examining room, one after the other, but before the doctor could say a word, Jinpa exclaimed, “You're a daddy again, Al. You're good!”

“And you're fertile! Your valley is so fertile, I don't even bother plowing. I drop my seed and boom! Instant germination!” While everybody laughed Jinpa gazed at me with an admiring smile. “Why couldn't you do this with your first husband? You weren't going at it every day, were you?” When Jinpa smiled and nodded everyone laughed again while I shook my head severely. “No wonder the birth rate is so small in China and Tibet and despite the restrictions. Didn't anybody tell you to wait three days between every sexual intercourse? Does it really take a crazy westerner to show you how to do it right?” Once everybody stopped laughing I added, “It's gonna be a boy or you're telling Sofia. When you crush her with that news I'm gonna be miles away, out in the ocean, where none of you can reach me even swimming.”


- Just Desserts, Segment Forty-FiveAdvances and Retreats” by Gregory R. Schussele, © 2021

contact me, as always: schussprose@gmail.com